I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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