She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
