I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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