Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
