Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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