If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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