You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She's like a pop up book from hell.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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