my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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