"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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