I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
