eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
