yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize