Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
