OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
