did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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