Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
