Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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