my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
