i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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