I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
