Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
