My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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