Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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