You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
