dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
