Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I think I just sharted jello shots
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
