Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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