that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
