Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
