i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
