the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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