so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
