:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
