I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
