Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
