I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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