I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Dignity is for republicans.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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