sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
