Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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