party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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