I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
