My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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