Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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