Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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