I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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