Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
