He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
