At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
