People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
