i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
