omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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