Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
