wat bout pragnant strippers??
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
