i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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