I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
